It’s NOT okay that I’m not okay.

It’s okay not to be okay? Maybe if you have depression, maybe if you have anxiety.

It’s NOT okay that I’m not okay. I have borderline personality disorder (BPD), this is incurable, yes I may have “good” periods but they will never last as soon as something bad happens I will spiral out of control again. I will need therapy for life. I have certain personality traits that come with this disorder; the inability to control my emotions for example; I have had a mental breakdown in a chemist because they couldn’t find my medication. I can cry for hours and hours and not know why I’m sad. I can stand shaking because I’m so angry and can’t express how I feel. Some days I’ll be happy or to quote my psychiatrist “over enthusiastic “ but this will catch up with me and I will be mentally drained, exhausted and most likely go numb.

Now don’t get me wrong depression and anxiety is awful I know. If I miss one morning dose of my anti anxiety tablets I’m fitting on the floor thinking I’m going to die from anxiety. I have had two suicide attempts and don’t think it will ever be possible to walk past train tracks without thinking “JUMP” but you CAN get better, there are proven medication that works for depression, anxiety and even bipolar. BPD is a guessing game, I’ve been on so many anti depressants but none have worked and none likely will due to the fact I get used to them so quickly. Alongside all of this anytime I’m alone or feel emotions that are too difficult or get ‘triggered’ I’m numb, emotionless and feel like I’m not real. I won’t even recognise myself in the mirror.

I have been self harming on and off since I was 14 years old, it’s been my longest standing coping mechanism; burning, cutting, banging my head against a wall, anything really. Other coping mechanisms have included; drugs, prescribed meds, sex, dissociation.

It’s NOT okay that I’m not okay. I have lost more friends than I can count, some my fault but most because they can’t take it, the ups the downs, I’m a burden. I’m prone to reckless behaviour; unprotected sex, drugs, excessive spending, shoplifting anything really to make me feel or to make me feel nothing. I dissociate, I will never remember what has happened when I’ve gone numb, or had a fight or had a difficult emotion. Imagine how difficult it would be to talk about these difficult periods with your therapist if you don’t even remember them! Or to feel sorry or shame for something you’ve done if you have no recollection, it’s just a story.

It’s NOT okay with me that I’m not okay.

If you think you are struggling or know someone who is struggling, you can find more information on BPD via - https://www.bpdworld.org/

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#BPD #MentalHealth #RaisingAwareness