Having an Eating Disorder is a daily battle, some days we feel cured and others we can't imagine getting better.
I struggle with a special kind of shame since society has deemed eating disorders as female, most men never find the strength to talk about it, I certainly didn't want to. First, I didn't want to believe it, I hope maybe I am encouraging even just a few guys to get help with this.
I am not underweight so according to society I don't look sick.
Some days I will use that to tell myself 'I'm obviously not sick. Then other days it feel quite apparent that I have a problem. I tell myself this is all in my head, you should be able to get over it and 'eat'. That mindset works for a few days, then I feel my much guilt about eating that I want to go back to starving myself or purging. The cycle then begins all over again. I see a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I struggle to feel any love for myself, my self-worth  has been tied to my body for most of my life. It feels impossible, but I am slowly making progress, I didn't want to write about how I'm 'Better' now because I haven’t been purging.
I first wanted to let you in on the obsession of this illness, I may be trying to get better but that voice comes and goes telling me I'm not thin enough to matter to anyone. Some days I eat like a 'normal person' and feel good. Then other days I fall apart and don't want to do this anymore. I have to remind myself that that's okay. Recovery is painful and not a straight line. Some days I stay under the covers because I give in and let that voice say every negative thing about myself and I start believing them. some days I stay in bed a bit longer before reaching out to a friend and explaining my struggles, but the point is I eventually do. Then some nights I lay in bed and can't sleep. I feel my heart beating too hard in my chest and it keeps me up all night and then i want to give up all over again because of the harm I've done to my body. If a heart condition wasn't enough I have low testosterone. I’d much rather be open open about having an Eating Disorder rather than being a 24 year old with low testosterone especially since most people I open up to about this are women.
Having an Eating Disorder has robbed me of so much, but the one thing it has taken from me that seems less obvious is confidence with intimacy. I am terrified now of physical intimacy with women and thats another topic, but I'm too uncomfortable to talk about, that I'm trying slowly to bring it up so far only with one close friend with all these problems, setbacks, and bad days I still want to get better. I may take steps backwards at times but I continue to reach out and ask for a hand to help and help me forward. This is a long unpleasant road ahead but today is only one day.
From Anonymous
