Dear Anyone Suffering in Silence with an Eating Disorder,
You are not alone.
This is what I want to remind you to begin with.
You. Are. Not. Alone.
This must be a really scary time for you.
And you must feel like you are crazy and this is all really stupid.
You're not crazy and what you're experiencing isn't stupid.
The first step is opening up to somebody.
It could be your mum, or your friend, or your colleague or your partner.
Or on an online forum.
(Careful though. There are a lot of pro eating disorder sites.)
The next step is getting help.
This can feel scary but it is the most brave and brilliant thing you can do.
You don't need to go into an eating disorder clinic in order to recover from an eating disorder.
Do not be disheartened if you get turned away by NHS services, you can get HELP elsewhere.
You still require care and guidance.
There are fantastic charities and other services that can provide help.
In order for me to prove this to you I'm going to tell you my eating disorder journey.
When I was 14 years old, I developed anorexia.
A lot of things that were happening in my life were completely out of my control.
I started cutting food out of my life.
It started off small and escalated quickly.
In the end, I wasn't eating at all, only drinking Diet Red Bull and taking energy pills.
I was doing my GCSEs which is a crucial time for young people, but I was fading away.
My friends and other kids started to notice as did my family, but I was on a path to destruction and I wouldn't be stopped.
My mum took me to the doctors and I then got referred to the head psychologist with Adolescent Mental Health Services.
Everything moved very quickly and I was admitted to the into my first clinic in the Adolescent section.
It was absolutely terrifying as there were only 2 other girls with eating disorders, the rest of the teenagers had mixed issues.
And the rest of the clinic (in another part of the building) was full of ADULTS with a variety of mixed issues.
They tried to make me eat from day one. I cried and it took me 3 hours.
They upped the meal plan quickly with shakes and desserts. It was hell for me then.
There was a lot of support and education and therapy and group sessions.
I wasn't allowed to see my family to begin with.
I had to earn it.
I was monitored almost constantly until they gradually reduced it to an hourly basis.
To make sure I wasn't exercising or 'getting rid' of my food.
I was in year 11 at this point and I needed to finish my GCSEs.
I quickly learned that if I wanted to get out, I needed to eat.
So ate all the food like they said. Put the weight on. And I got to leave. And finish my GCSEs.
Cut to leaving sixth form and I felt lost.
Everyone else was going to university and I decided to take a gap year before applying for drama school.
I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.
Everything was out of control again, so I started controlling my food.
Things got worse. My depression got worse.
I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital.
By this point I hadn't eaten for a week.
A week later, still not having eaten, I collapsed and was taken to an ICU.
From there I was taken to my second eating disorder clinic.
I cried and struggled at first and then I remembered.
I knew what to do. I had been here before.
I was an actor after all.
So I played the part of a 'recovering anorexic'. I ate the food. Showed them how much I loved it.
I hated being there and playing this part so I fought them. I argued with them.
I escaped from the hospital to get my nose and nipple pierced.
I'd escape for an hour to smoke endless cigarettes and drink prohibited coffee.
And then I left.
Shortly after, I relapsed. Which wasn't surprising at all.
The worst thing about all these services is they didn't know how to treat a young person who had anorexia AND depression.
They thought they were exclusive of each other.
They didn't know which one to treat.
This time it was a lot worse, I had a back catalogue book of all the of the tricks of the trade I had learned from the other girls at both clinics so I went full throttle.
I will never go into details of what I did or what I ate because I never want to encourage disordered eating.
I got to my lowest weight. It was critical.
And the eating disorder services refused to help me.
The head of eating disorder services told me that Addenbrookes had said that I never had disordered eating. That I quite happily ate food.
She told me that I loved food. I didn't have an eating disorder and they wouldn't help anymore.
She said I'd used eating disorder clinics as an escape. That there were other people who needed help more than me.
I had played the part too well to get out of the clinic.
I was truly alone.
My periods had gone.
Most of my hair had fallen out.
I didn't look like me anymore.
I was desperate.
SO WHAT DID I DO?
I was in a catch 22 of wanting it ALL to EN
and
WANTING TO GO TO DRAMA SCHOOL.
I had to make the desire to go to drama school stronger.
So I found help from a local eating disorders charity.
They asked for a voluntary donation for counselling sessions, group sessions.
They also hooked me up with a mentor.
She was somebody who had recovered from anorexia and was now having a baby.
We met up in coffee shops and she was like a soldier who had been through the war and come out the other side.
I hadn't eaten in front of anyone except for my family in a long time.
She helped me take the first steps.
I ate bread with her for the first time in years.
Eventually, I even ate a piece of cake with her.
I cried. It took me ages. But I did it.
Through my mum's knowledge, she recommended to my GP to a refer me to a specific dietitian.
This dietitian without a shadow of a doubt saved my life.
She knew how scared I was of eating food so started me off small.
She worked with me like it was a partnership rather than her ruling what I had to eat.
My mistake was as soon as I thought I was 'better' and wanted to get on with my life, I dropped any kind of guidance, help or therapy and pretended that everything was fine.
I developed orthorexia as a way of coping and relapsed with anorexia again HOWEVER this time I had my super team behind me.
It wasn't easy, it took years and most of the development, the final development came from ME.
I had to make the final decision . . .
Which was more important; being thin or being happy?
Years later from all this, I can say I am in the best place with disordered eating in my entire life.
I can hand on heart say I am 99.9% recovered.
That part of my brain is a whisper in a life full of LIGHT.
I am not anorexic or orthorexic anymore.
I listen to my body and feed it with love.
And the key was COMMITTING.
It is a commitment to fully recover.
It isn't a half hearted thing.
The reason I relapsed is because I always said 'I'll gain weight as much as they want me to then I'm back in control and I'll eat what I want and be the weight that I want'.
I shook off therapy and support because I was stubborn and didn't want help.
When in fact, that was when I needed it most.
The important thing in all of this is that you CAN and should GET HELP.
It may be from the NHS.
It could be from a local eating disorder charity.
It can be from a national eating disorder charity like Beat.
Or if you have the money (which I didn't) from private treatment.
Your desire to live. Your desire to be happy needs to be stronger than your desire for control or to be thin.
Write down a list of all the things that make you happy. All of the things to live for.
If, like me when I was ill, you are thinking 'THERE IS NOTHING RIGHT NOW'...
Write down the things that used to make you happy. The things to live for. The people to live for.
They can be silly things like skipping stones in the sea or laughing with your best friend.
Or important things like your university course or your job or your mum or your partner.
Eating disorders are cruel.
They don't want to help you gain control,
They don't want to help you be thin,
They want to see you dead.
For me personally, the only person who could make me better was ME.
I had to fight the demon face on and I bloody well won.
I have every belief that whoever you are,reading this right now, that you can do the same.
You truly can.
The only person who can truly do this is YOU.
Much love,
Joy xx